I hereby offer my service as a write-in candidate. There’s a lot of dissatisfaction about politicians today. The 2016 presidential candidates are both considered the least popular in history. Things have been very divisive, and with your support I can try to do something about it.
My platform contains items I think we can all agree on.
There are dangerous immigrants who are destroying our way of life- therefore Justin Bieber will be deported back to Canada.
Anyone registering for political office must first attend an etiquette class.
At least once a year, Americans will be required to attend a family dinner with someone from a different cultural or socio-economic background. They must bring wine or a desert.
Anyone being audited by the IRS may have an attorney provided to them at no cost of their own. This attorney will have the power to audit the federal budget for which the taxes are taken. The government must provide receipts.
Congress may not adjourn for more than a few days unless there are no problems anywhere in the country.
We have a non-partisan congressional budget office, so why not a nonpartisan fact checking office? Whenever a politician speaks on television a disclaimer will appear at the bottom of the screen showing their record of honesty.
If wait times for veterans’ medical appointments are too long, VA administrators may not see their own doctor until the situation is fixed.
Students may not graduate from any public institution without first being able to pass the same citizenship test given to legal immigrants.
Republicans and Democrats must engage in “team building exercises.” They must include trust falls.
Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies will be labeled a class A addictive substance.
And lastly, I promise to always tell Americans we have far more in common than we sometimes remember, and that our differences make us stronger.
Be sure to spell my name right, and thank you for your support.